The first few days after the hospital have generally been ok. I mean I’ve fed, I’ve slept, everyone’s looked at me and taken a lot of photos on their mobile phones– the usual kind of new baby stuff. I’ve looked at my parents and thought ‘You know what they’re ok – could have done better, could have done worse’. The house seems ok too – not quite as big as I would have liked but generally the neighbourhood seems nice. There’s a box with a mattress in for me, in the corner of the living room which I think is a bit cheap of them. I mean – a box – could they not afford another bed?
Anyway, despite that it’s been a relief to leave all the screaming at the hospital behind. Although, without all the nurses, my parents have been a bit fretful. I’ve been put in two pairs of socks every day, like my feet might fall off, and they keep changing my nappy every five minutes, using cotton wool and water to clean my bum. I’m there thinking ‘No, you’ll need a proper wipe for that, love. I’d like to actually feel clean.’
But last night things started getting really weird. Mum decided to put cabbage leaves on her breasts and I was expected to just lie next to her in the bed as if this was completely normal – with the awful smell of cabbage permeating the air.
What’s more, these terrible nicknames have now started. Neither of my parents seem capable of referring to me by my actual name and people have started calling themselves all kinds of odd things too, saying stuff like,
‘Are you looking at Mummykins?’
‘You like your Glamma, don’t you?’
I’m just thinking, ‘I know this is all exciting for you lot, but let’s keep a bit of self-respect here guys.’